I can do that no more – the pain would be too great – My love is selfish – I cannot breathe without you.
The matchmaking tools at our disposal are now so powerful that we can factor in (and out) a prospective match on the basis of such self-imposed ideals as physical shape and size, education, income, current or previous relationship and marital statuses, wealth, the prior existence of children, religion, ethnicity, dietary and exercise habits, political views and personality traits, and of course, aesthetic appeal, before we even consider taking the first required step in building a relationship – communicating. In doing so, we deliberately limit the breadth and depth not only of how we search for and discover a loved one, but of who we can communicate with and how we communicate with them, the most egregious example being Tinder, which overlooks any semblance of personality in favour of the less enduring.
Our enjoyment and the utility of multiples of the number five, whether by accident or design, further inhibits us. For the first time in human history, contemporary dating apps and websites have enabled us to search for a prospective partner anywhere in the world, the only limits being a connection to the internet and the barriers (self-)imposed by language and culture. It’s ironic, then, that particularly for those living outside the largest cities, we seek a match within a 5 or 10 mile radius, rather than 7.4, 17.4, or even 1,774.
Some, of course, have been sufficiently lucky as to find a love like no other through a meeting via their high school, university, workplace, religious institution, friends, or social activities in their respective towns and cities. I’ve never expected such serendipity, if, that is, such a thing is possible philosophically, rather than being an oxymoron. But if we accept the idea that we are all unique – and I truly apologise to the world if there happens to be another “me” out there – and if we are sincere in our belief that there is a “one” for each of us, so uniquely qualified to navigate our myriad traits, qualities, flaws, imperfections and idiosyncrasies and vice-versa, then there seems little reason to construct our own artificial boundaries in pursuit of something so much greater than ourselves. Haruki Murakami’s Kafka On The Shore, admittedly one of his lesser works, contains a sentence beautifully precise in its meaning:
If you remember me, then I don’t care if everyone else forgets.
Isn’t that what all of us seek?
What the Love Letter Experiment attempts is to use modern means to create a deeply old-fashioned romance, with a single concept at heart – getting to know one another by letter, or in this instance and at least in the initial stages, by email. No pictures will be sent, and only very occasional and limited clues to identity will be revealed. If, and hopefully when correspondence creates a genuine affection, then a first meeting can be arranged. After all, a slow-burning, yearning anticipation is a delight to experience, an exquisite tension to savour, not one to be denied.
Love letters may have been present in human life from the very time the written form developed. From the ancient Sumerians and Egyptians to the courtly texts of the (not quite accurately named) Age of Chivalry, from Cicero and Pliny’s dispatches to their respective wives to the correspondence between Percy Shelley and Mary Wollstonecraft or Robert Browning and Elizabeth Barrett, from Beethoven’s joyous discourse with his wife to Johnny Cash describing June as “the object of [his] desire, the #1 Earthly reason for [his] existence”, the desire to communicate in writing has been an ever present. It seems rather sad that despite our heightened ability to communicate with a greater number of people, we thus spend an ever decreasing amount of time engaging in letter writing, and I think using this resolutely slow-paced format would be a deeply satisfying way to grow something new.
Naturally, I appreciate the need to give you reason to write. Therefore, without further ado, here’s why I think you should, in the form of a personal ad:
The Which? Guide Review of LL37
Our panel of experts have spent a considerable period of time analysing the marketplace for men, and among some terrible products which have malfunctioned after a short period of time, we’ve found a range of possible solutions to what appears to be a global shortage of romantics. We’d like to introduce one quirky model we believe many of you may enjoy:
Size and weight – Can occasionally vary, but typical specifications are proportionate, at 5’11” in height and 13.5 stone in weight.
Depth – Holds a postgraduate degree, and discusses art, architecture, opera, ballet and literature reasonably well. Understands the purpose of the Oxford Comma while neglecting its use.
Image quality – While we wouldn’t suggest that this refurbished version is gorgeous, he certainly would make a handsome addition to any home.
Sound quality – A stereotypical English accent comes as standard, but can be dubbed into a very small number of foreign languages and certain regional British dialects if the occasion requires.
Volume – Decibel levels vary from time to time with the addition of alcohol, but the normal operating volume is perfectly acceptable.
Controls – Occasionally displays stubbornness, can be a little temperamental and wants to go his own way.
Reliability – Extremely reliable, and in high-intensity quality testing was shown not to break down at the mention of key words such as ‘commitment’, ’emotion’ and ‘feelings’. Technical glitches are normally fixed by the addition of beer, red wine, or an old fashioned.
Speed – runs pretty quickly, very rarely in the opposite direction.
Durability – Restored to factory settings after previous user experience, he shows only the most minor signs of wear and tear. Unlikely to be broken, though we don’t recommend attempting to do so for insurance purposes. Also water proof to a depth of 30 metres.
Versatility – This product can run in varied locations without displaying any signs of discomfort. Has been tested in locations as diverse as the Royal Opera House, Wembley Stadium, Pride parades, Tokyo and the Amsterdam Marathon.
Compatibility – Has been known to work equally well with foreign imports as products developed in the UK, and connector docks only with female ports.
Battery life – Runs for hours, and very infrequently switches off at important moments. Talk time may be extended through playing with his buttons.
Memory – accurately recalls birthdays and important events, though a small error in programming tends to find Valentine’s Day frequently repeated throughout the year.
Cleaning – The LL37 is fully self-cleaning and requires very little maintenance.
Settings and functions – Travel settings and presence at both black tie and dress down events are particularly agreeable.
Safety rating – Very safe, with the only crimes committed being fashion-related, and only beats himself up, metaphorically speaking. May occasionally appear in foreign countries with little notice after getting himself into trouble by losing bets.
Service history – Past owners known to be satisfied with performance. A full service history is available on demand.
Availability – Very limited. Only one product of this type known to be in existence.
Optional extras – Please ask if you have any additional requirements for this product, and we will see if your request can be accommodated.
Future upgrades – Japanese currently being installed.
Cost – Compares very well to products of a similar age and type. A special offer of a 24-hour commitment free trial is available to applicants who haven’t previously shown an interest.
Warranty – Due to the very technical nature of this product, replacement parts are generally unavailable and it is sold on an ‘as is’ basis. However, grooming, styling and conditioning are as standard and at no extra cost.
Location – United Kingdom. Damage in transit is unlikely, and the LL37 is exempt from import duties.
Recommendation – The LL37 is one of the very few machines we’ve found to satisfy the main requirements frequently requested by buyers for a product of this nature. Due to its limited availability and potential value we recommend that you contact us with your details as soon as possible. Further information is available upon request.
A hint – my initials are not “LL”.
So, if any of this has made you even the slightest bit curious, then say hi, introduce yourself, anonymously if you prefer, in writing to this email address, and let the Love Letter Experiment begin.
The Love Letter Experiment 